So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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