OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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