i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
