Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
