i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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