I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
