i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
