I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
