I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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