My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
