I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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