Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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