So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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