aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
