grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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