i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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