im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
