My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You left your underwear on the fireplace
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
