I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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