It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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