the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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