Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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