I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
