I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
