I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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