The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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