So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
