I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
