Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
