i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
