CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
