Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
