Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
