guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
