You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
