you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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