I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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