I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
worst night to have a conscience
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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