I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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