I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
