my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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