I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
