shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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