U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
