i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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