she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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