If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think your dad took our porno
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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