my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
