Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
