it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
