Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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