But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
